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[07 Mar 2004|11:35am] |
I re-did my room. Its a new place completely, Its great I feel like im starting a new life. The best part is being able to drive, Its weird its like everything has changed. My mom officially started hating me last night. She hates every kid she has once they start driving its the rule or someething.
I was thinking of saying to someone or something, that I have no hope for the future, my dreams are all retrospective. Buth thinking about it... if my mom hates me, I hate my dad, my sisters away, and my brothers a nark. Then I am not inclined to love them, or have any dedication to them. I can start a new life away from all this. become a new person and forget everything. especially my family.
My CD collection sux. thats the next thing i have to fix.
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[01 Mar 2004|05:37pm] |
Things suck again. I think whenever I turn my back things change. My sisters home from college but shes going to rehab, she'll probly live at the hospital for a month.
On the lighter side, I asked out this girl I have been liking for a while and she said no. I was disapointed. I guess I liked her a lot or something. Tis is a really lame entry. I feel like a 12 year old girl whinning in her diary. I dont know what to do when i make plans but they dont answer their phone.
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| she doesnt like to show her drawings |
[11 Feb 2004|09:33pm] |
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Behind my back behind my back... I knew it was too good to be true. You lied, I'm a fad and back to start again, but this time everyone is gone. I cant believe i have to do this again. You did this to me, I dont care about moods, u still cling to her. I hate your friendship.
( they found each other )
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| Little Black Dress |
[01 Feb 2004|11:03am] |
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I just spen the night dreaming. It was real weird, because it was very..uum real. Its funny that im writting this because im void of any emotion at this moment. Usually im writting in a endless rand of built up anxiety or when i feel alone and shit.
heres a cool transfer I found
( turn the page )
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| dont think about me behind my back |
[24 Jan 2004|10:48pm] |
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I thought i would keep this journal updated, but sometimes it just hurts to much. I guess what im saying is, You think about me in a bad light. Or not. why cant I just talk? I need to get my ideas out but they come outt all wrong. I wish everyone was in my head and knew what i was thinking so they couldnt get the wrong idea. words out of context scratched surfaces, hair in my eyes.
( harder to forget )
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| In a heart beat |
[11 Jan 2004|12:31am] |
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Things are seeming to brake down again. Ive been lost, I thought I found my spot and knew what i wanted to be like, but i just keep getting the feeling no matter how i am, Im still gonna think people hate me. Im just paranoid. I keep thinking she hates me and that he hates me, and that everyone hates me. Its confusing but i never feel like im where i should be, like there is something better to do.
I got a phone call from a girl i used to know but the call faded from my ear. she hung up as i answered hello. This is the 2nd time she's done this since i got my phone I found out she hung up on purpose. I remember one horrible night, the last time i saw it and I wrote something about it. ( our little holland tunnel )
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[05 Jan 2004|07:02pm] |
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Counting down the days of vacation. Losing my freedom once again. It always seeming in life, just just as you are getting used to something its taken away. Or something changes for the worse. I wish i could see into other people's lives and see what its like for them.
It would be nice if my heart stopped feeling tired but you can't make it, don't yell at me. I don't want to be this way.
You offered your hand to help me, just to take it away. I guess I'll just follow. Will you let me? or force me?
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| christmas |
[25 Dec 2003|04:57pm] |
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i had these words in my AIM profile for a while, i deleted them from it, and i wanna save them somewhere so im putting them here.
( you said it was severe )
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| Eve |
[24 Dec 2003|04:11pm] |
Yea, so christmas is tomorrow. I guess im excited, its just kinda different though. I did shopping today. I also got a haircut, for the first time since the beginning of summer. I kinda feel like exposed, i dunno just kinda weird to look in the mirror. I keep feeling like it looks bad and like i wish i could undo it. I dunno, itll grow back i guess. I started going out with a girl who goes to my school, i dunno if she'd want me talking about her on livejournal but i'll just say that shes cool. and thinking about her is rad.
Friends are cool things to have. I like the ones that you dont have to worry about what you say and shit, you know. I guess some things i cant tell anybody. Especially not my livejournal.
Live fast. Play hard. Die Trying.
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| Equal? |
[20 Dec 2003|03:48pm] |
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I hope she loves everything she does as much as I do. It's impossible to think that someone so deep, so much like an amazing piece of art can be sad. But she does, and she's all i think about. A friend. Tell me if you feel the same.< 
"How am I gonna survive in this world? I don't even fit in with my own friends...and everything around me seems transparent and sad...We waste our lives away wishing and hoping - for things that don't even exist...twisting the world up into little pieces - and clutching at straws." -Perfect Example by John Porcellino
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| Does it make sence to you? |
[18 Dec 2003|11:14pm] |
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You'll understand? You wanna hear it. You are not her,
a her, or "a" to me. The sentences run in circles and
drag me back, i speak tar.
Its getting a little cold in here, you left to leave it
dont worry you left me behind, like everyone else.
I know you didnt want to. do you feel the same? its all
i need to know. no not want he wanted. but ultimate
connection. I wont ruin us, make us stronger.
she left me and now im here, interrogation begging for
my mental health, dont beg for me! I cant talk.
its not all about me? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU was it all about me when my heart stopped beating. NO or when it all began NO. You DID THIS SO FUCK YOU I thought you were an escape.
No. its not a poem, im just rambling.
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| hello |
[17 Dec 2003|11:03pm] |
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so, this is my first entry. I've never talked to a
computer before, unless ofcourse im talking to my
grandma. Grand Marie we call her. Me and my brother
call her F**khead. I know that sounds mean, but if
you had to live with the lady you'd understand.
I could get into all the shit she does, but i
figure this is my first entry so i should keep it
cool. So dr.stone tells me i got things on my mind
and i cant do shit right because of it. Like this
journal for one will have no formation or
organization. sentence by sentence, whatever comes
out. If this was my second entry i'd tell you all
about my day, but it isnt, so ill force information
about me down your throat. Basically everything in
my life as been screwed up lately. doctors say I'm
depressed. I stopped doing school work and going to
class. I guess it all started when my Father left.
it cut my whole family in half, ones loyal to him
and one who were'nt. I stayed loyal, and lived
alone for a year. My only escape, was with my dad.
And if things were'nt f**ked up enough, my mom had
to get diagnosed with Melanoma, a type of cancer.
Since her cancer had spread to much, they can't do
surgery and shes presently doing chemotherapy in
philli. The first kind of kemo was a failure, lets
just hope this one is more effective. Yea so here
i am now letting you in. Maybe you can follow my
entries, learn from me, help me get better. If you
read this leave a comment, please. suggestions, or
anything.)
-a falling bomb
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